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Feb 27, 2013

Marriage? - A quick guide to Parents-in-law

  


Marriage is an important turning point not only in the couple's life but also the life of the people closely related to them.

People who have grown up so many years in two different environments comes together to start a life. Both will have difference in their thoughts and actions.

No one can change themselves 100% to suit the new environments. It is not fair to expect it to happen from one person. Adjustment should happen between husband and wife, DIL and her in-laws, son and his parents / siblings equally.

Like how we prepare ourselves to face an exam or an interview, the same way, the bride, the groom and the in-laws should prepare themselves a little for the new role they are going to play and on the new responsibility they need to take. 

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For the boy’s parents :-      baby photo parents-boy.gif 
  • You want your son to get married. That means your involvement in arranging and conducting the marriage no less to the Girl’s parents. So be matured enough to come forward to share the responsibilities.
  • Co-ordinated effort (not intervention) will make the event a great success. Thus make it even more memorable not only for you but also for many viz., your son, your DIL, your DIL’s Parents, relatives of both sides. If no one has done it in your family, you become the role model and bring in the change.
  • While you talk about fixing the marriage be clear on what your expectation is. You and the girls parents if talk & plan together, unnecessary spending can be curtailed. If girl’s parents insist on spending then make them understand if that money is of better use then let them make an Fixed Deposit in the name of their daughter which will help her in long way.
  • When you mention “do as per your capacity. We have no demands” let that word come from your heart. Never find faults and complain later. Instead be responsible matured parent and lend your support to the girl’s parents to avoid any faults or just accept things as they are because it your son’s marriage. You want to make it pleasant right?
  • Two families are going to come together that means both side relatives are also coming together. Earning a relation is not an easy job. Hence ignore small mistakes and learn to live with a smile.
  • The girl who is going to marry your son is also going to be part of your family hence a ‘family member’. Never treat and never ever think her as an outsider in any situation.
  • Girl is born and brought up in a different environment. Every girl for a marriage may not be perfect as married life is going to be a first & important experience in her life. Marriage for her is like uprooting a grown up tree to a new place which may require lot of time for the tree to settle in the new place. Understand that and make her feel comfortable by giving her a friendly & homely environment. Forget your egos as it will lead you to nowhere near peace in the family.
  • Consider the bride as your daughter and not ‘like’ your daughter. Both term has a huge gap in meaning. Never allow that gap come in the relationship. You are already parents to a child / children hence showing parental affection, love and responsibility towards a new married girl coming to your home is not a new thing for you.
  • At the same understand that for her it is not going to be an easy task to consider you as her parents unless you show her the true parental love towards her.

"RESPECT AND LOVE should be reciprocated"
  • Give respect and take respect should be realized in right manner. Giving respect doesn’t mean one should respect you for your age. But it means respect you for your wonderful thoughts, words and actions. It means “Respect you for the person in you and not for your age”.
  • No one likes to be commanded. So win your place in her heart with your love and not with your command. You are elders but show that elderliness in your matured responsible thoughts, words and actions.
  • You have also passed that newly-wed experience in your life. The chemistry between you and your spouse might have been different but you must learn to adjust with the change of time. Hence never interfere in your son’s life.
  • You may have a daughter who might have come with her husband to stay with you. Never let your son & DIL’s privacy go off while you try to make your daughter & son-in-law feel have their privacy at your home. Like your daughter and son-in-law, your son and DIL also shares the same relationship between them. If this simple thing is understood & practiced major problems will not arise.
  • Never interfere in any fights between your son and DIL unless you are matured enough to handle them unbiased. If you feel that your DIL has no right to talk like that with your son that only means that you are not considering her as a part of the family or as your son’s wife.
  • Never fight or argue in front of your son & DIL. If you do so, you only set a bad example to them because married life is a new experience for them.
  • If you have any complaints about your DIL never tell that directly to her. Instead talk to your son but definitely not in a complaining mode or tone but as a responsible parent by keeping your cool. But make it clear to him that you want him to handle this diplomatically and not emotionally. After all DIL is your family member and your son’s happiness also depends on her’s.
  • Find out the interest of your DIL and suitably reward her (take your son’s help wherever required) which will bring a lovely bond between you both which is very very essential in any relationship.
  • Last but not the least, your DIL has equal responsibility on her parents like your son does for you. So never complain when she has to deliver her duties towards her parents. Give your full support.
  • You be an example to your Son and Daughter-in-law so that he / she will become a good mother / father not only to their child / children but also for the future son-in-law(s) / daughter –in-law(s)

Wish you a lovely enjoyable Parent-in-lawhood


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For the Girl’s Parents:-   family photo JC_parents-girl.gif

  • Never feel yourself inferior to boy’s parents. You are equal counterparts. Time has changed. Instead of keeping a distance, try to befriend them.
  • If you find boy’s side very demanding, think whether your daughter will be happy living with them. Because in India the tradition demands various things / rituals on various occasions. Only when you are confident of doing all that in future, you proceed.
  • Commit only things that are within your capacity. Taking loans and ruining your future will not make your daughter happy as she will be thinking about you.
  • If the Boy’s parents tell you not to spend money unnecessarily and still you want to spend money better go as per the advise and make an FD in your daughter’s name for the amount you have saved which will help her.
  • Make your daughter realize the responsibility she is going to take, how she should live in her new environment etc. Never make her feel inferior to anyone. Impart the virtue of patience in her.
  • Give her a support wherever required. Never interfere in her family matters unnecessarily. You as a parent should act more maturedly and responsibly incase she complains about her family. Hear her and diplomatically make her understand on how to handle situations. Because when she is tensed and impatient she only expects ears to hear her. If she doesn’t find that in her husband then only she comes to complain it to you.
  • Like your daughter you treat your DIL too. Like how you respect the privacy of your daughter & your son-in-law same way your son and DIL deserves it too.
  • Any advice you give your girl, don't make it emotionally but wisely. Ensure that it is understood by her in right way. Let your wisdom and experience brighten her life.

Happy Parent-in-lawhood 

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Also check other related posts :-

  1. Quick life guide to Groom smiley
  2. Quick life guide to Bride  maried
  3. Quick life guide to Bride as well as Groom smiley 
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2 comments:

வை.கோபாலகிருஷ்ணன் said...

Very Good Analysis & valuable suggestions. ;) to all concerned.

Mira said...

Thank you Gopu Sir

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